‘I stopped trying to carry everything myself’

Charlotte Jacobs (Ipswich Citadel) thanks God for how he has worked in her life through the people he has placed around her.

Many people know me as ‘the loud one’ – the one you hear before you see. I love joking around and not taking things too seriously. But when it comes to sharing things that are more personal, I usually keep quiet.  I get a feeling in my stomach that I should say something, but fear usually talks me out of it. I convince myself that nobody really cares what I have to say, or that my story isn’t important enough. Today, I didn’t want fear to get in the way.

I’ve been reflecting on the moments in my life when I’ve truly encountered God. Not just in the easy moments, but especially in the moments when I felt lost, stuck or unsure of who I was.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt different. I spent years wondering why I never seemed to fit in the way everyone else did. I compared myself constantly – how other people spoke, how confident they were, the gifts they had, and even their faith. I was so focused on who I wasn’t that I completely lost sight of who God had created me to be.

For a long time, I thought being different was something I needed to fix. I didn’t realise it was something God could use. When I look back to the start of my faith journey in 2021, I can honestly say I barely recognise that person now.  

I wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with. I had a habit of turning up late, walking out of rehearsals, refusing to sing when I didn’t feel like it, and pushing boundaries just to see how much I could get away with. I laughed at the wrong times, messed around when I should have been listening, and made choices that, looking back now, I struggle to understand.

East of England Summer School (EYSS) 2021 was the lowest point of my journey, but also where my journey really started and where I encountered God for the first time. I felt like I had let people down because of my attitude and the choices I was making. I couldn’t imagine things ever changing and I thought that was just who I was.

My first encounter with God happened when we were sat around a campfire in the middle of a storm. I remember sitting there, taking everything in, and realising I couldn’t do this journey alone. 

For so long, I had tried to figure everything out myself. I tried to prove myself, fix myself and carry things on my own. But in that moment, I realised I needed God, and I needed people around me who would walk alongside me.

That moment didn’t mean everything changed overnight. I still had struggles. I still had doubts. I still had things I needed to work through. But something changed. I stopped trying to carry everything by myself. I started allowing God to work in my life. 

There were still moments after that when I questioned where God was. Moments when I couldn’t see him working. Moments when opening my Bible felt like the last thing I wanted to do. 

But looking back now I realise that, just because I couldn’t see God working, it didn’t mean he wasn’t. While I thought nothing was changing, God was already changing me.

I encountered a God who wasn’t waiting for me to have everything together before he loved me. A God who wasn’t defining me by my mistakes. A God who still saw value in me when I couldn’t see it myself. And one of the biggest ways he did that was through people and community. This year, I attended Territorial Music School for the first time and, while someone was preaching, they said: ‘If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go with somebody else.’

As soon as I heard that, I thought, ‘That’s my story.’ Because I wouldn’t be standing here today without the people God placed around me. Leaders who sat with me, listened to me, prayed with me, challenged me, encouraged me, cried with me, laughed with me and never gave up on me. They saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. They didn’t just tell me about God’s love; they showed me what it looked like.

There’s a songster song called ‘Somebody Prayed for Me’ that really resonates with me. One line says: ‘When the future looked hopeless and I’d given up, when I had lost sight of my dreams, someone near dried every tear, somebody prayed for me.’ Every time I hear those words, I think about my own journey. 

Because when I couldn’t pray, somebody prayed for me. When I couldn’t believe in myself, somebody believed in me. When I couldn’t see what God was doing, people reminded me that he hadn’t forgotten me. 

The girl who always felt different started realising God had created her with purpose. The girl who spent years comparing herself to everyone else started learning that she didn’t have to be anyone else – she just needed to become who God created her to be.

And even now, I’m still learning. I still have moments when I compare myself. I still have moments when fear tries to stop me. I still have moments when I question whether I have something worth saying. And I still have moments when I make the wrong choice.

But five years ago, at summer school, I encountered God. And that encounter changed the direction of my life.

So if today you’re feeling stuck, or feeling like you’ve messed up too many times, or feeling like you’re not enough, or maybe you’ve spent your whole life feeling different like I have, I want you to know: your story isn’t over. 

God can meet you exactly where you are. But don’t try to do it alone. Let people in. Find people who will walk with you, pray with you, encourage you, challenge you, and remind you who God says you are. Because sometimes the way we encounter God is through the people he places around us.

I want to say thank you to every leader who’s walked alongside me. You probably don’t realise the impact you’ve had on my life. I can wholeheartedly say I wouldn’t be the person I am now without you. Standing here today isn’t proof that I’ve got everything together. It’s proof that God changes people. Slowly, patiently, faithfully. 

If there’s one thing I hope you take away from my story, it’s this: your story isn’t over. God is still writing it.