Starfish mentoring: Building trust with children and young people

Sarah Robinson (Boston) talks with Major Lynne Shaw about the importance of holding space in Starfish mentoring.

Starfish is The Salvation Army’s schools mentoring programme, and has a profound impact on young people aged 9 to 16. Sarah has been working full-time as a Starfish coordinator since May. She is one of four coordinators in the country and currently mentors seven young people each week. Starfish uses a tool called My Mind Star, which helps identify needs, wellbeing and progress in several key areas around mental health.

What’s the importance of trustworthiness as a Starfish mentor?

It’s all about building relationships with the young people. They tend to have quite big burdens and, until they trust you, they won’t share those. I mentored one young lady who’d been with me for about six weeks when she asked if she could ‘do that Star thing again’. It had taken her time to build that level of trust and she shared something that was really major in her life.

At the beginning, we talk a lot about confidentiality, the fact you’re not going to gossip their business. We obviously work within the context of safeguarding, which the children understand, but if they don’t trust you they won’t share. You’re not there to solve their issues, but to facilitate and help them. It’s about holding space and giving them that sense of being able to share.

How do you build trust?

The tool we use is nationally recognised and we’re trusted to use it competently and wisely. With young people it’s drip-feeding. I spend the first session getting to know them. They’ll tell you something one week, and the next week you pick that up and they know you haven’t spoken with anyone. So they get that security – it’s building that relationship slowly, sometimes very slowly.

Working with another young lady, the first time we used My Mind Star everything appeared fine. When we revisited it, she said: ‘I told you something, but I didn’t tell you the truth.’ The fact that she chose to be more honest was indicative of that level of trust.

So you don’t pile on pressure to tell you things, and respond carefully when they do?

Absolutely! One mentee says, ‘You’re going to say, “That’s interesting!”’ She knows that’s a stock response. And then I’ll ask them to tell me a bit more. Sharing has to be on their terms.

One of my mentees was really upset, which a teacher had already made me aware of. Her body language told me she was agitated. I said, ‘It’s good to see you. Breathe.’ Through the session, you could see she started to relax and was able to share what was going on. Sometimes I’ll chip in advice or ask: ‘Would you like to look at it in a different way?’

That’s a great question. It really empowers them, doesn’t it?

It’s all about empowering them. We don’t belittle their experience, and we’re not there to say it will be all right. We’re there to acknowledge how they feel and, when they’ve calmed down, they might see other points of view.

Young people usually know if someone is genuine or not. How do you show them you’re real and you value authenticity?

It’s about being prepared not only to listen but also to share about yourself in a way that's appropriate. It’s a two-way street – I admit my failings to them when it affects them.

Part of integrity is using power for godly purposes. Could the role of mentor exist without it?

That’s key. We’re in such a privileged position. It’s about using it really carefully and acknowledging that our first responsibility is to these young people.

Do you see yourself as a Kingdom influencer participating in the work of Jesus?

Yes! None of my current mentees goes to church – I might be the first Christian they’ve spoken to. It’s a cliché but I’m the Bible they’re reading. Starfish isn’t about getting children into faith, it’s about being like God with that young person. It's a responsibility, but it's a joy.