Why being vulnerable is key to Christian community

Ivan Radford considers how mutual accountability brings us closer together.

When was the last time you made a mistake? Did you tell anyone? When was the last time you forgave someone? Did you mean it?

If either of these rings a bell, you might be withdrawing inside yourself. Beating yourself up for that time you fell short. You might even feel resentment or a determination not to be found out. These are all normal reactions to the knowledge, or reminder, that we are not perfect. And that’s OK – not because we’re going to stay imperfect for ever, but precisely the opposite: we are each being transformed by God, a process of renewal rooted in his love and grace. And one of the ways he helps us to grow is each other. How do we grow together? By being mutually accountable.

Love, not fear

Mutual accountability is one of the most challenging of the territory’s six values – and not just because it sounds boring and corporate. We live it out when we ‘willingly and freely give full account for our actions … and expect the same in return’. In other words: when we let go of fear.

We are insecure people in a world that tells us we are not enough. That can make it easy to forget that God first loved us, that even while we were sinners Jesus died for us, that nothing we can do can separate us from God’s love, that God himself is love.

Written to a divided church, 1 John 4 puts things into perspective. It reminds us that, ultimately, love comes from God. While human love is flawed, God’s love is perfect – and ‘perfect love drives out fear’ (1 John 4:18). Our love, our communities, should reflect that.

The reasons why we can sometimes fail at this are many and complex. But they often stem from the lies we believe about ourselves. This world conditions us to think worth is earned, to value status, possessions and control. We forget our identity in God’s love, and get stuck in a cycle of works not grace. We forget that love, like problems, isn’t pie: there aren’t a finite number of slices to go round. Someone else having some doesn’t take away from your own.

The result? As Henri Nouwen puts it: ‘We become … defensive and tend to look at our fellow human beings more as enemies to be kept at a distance than as friends with whom we share the gifts of life.’ We eye others with suspicion and elevate ourselves by putting others down. We compare and measure ourselves by how others perform or perceive us – and then do that to them too. All because we want to hold on to something to defend as ours.

Here’s the thing: nothing is really yours or mine. All of life is a gift. And, like all gifts – apart from maybe biscuits – they are for us to share. Our joys, suffering, mistakes and worries are not for us to possess or carry alone. We therefore have nothing to lose, and nothing to fear. When we curl up and stay in this truth, we find the courage to fail, and to encourage others to flourish.

In God’s strength, not yours

The two greatest commandments are ‘love the Lord your God’ and ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ (Mark 12:30 and 31). I wonder if we sometimes do those the wrong way round. We try so hard to love each other in our own strength and forget our hearts can’t hold enough kindness or humility for everyone.

But God’s does. And God’s love is how we are called to love one another – not by copying him from a distance, but by his love flowing through us. 1 John 4 says: ‘Whoever does not love does not know God’ (v8). It adds: ‘The one who fears is not made perfect in love’ (v18).

When we remember to start our relationships with seeking God first, our differences don’t disappear or stop mattering, but they take on a new perspective – they stop carrying fear. God’s Spirit undoes our deepest Babel instincts. We stop trying to hold everything together ourselves and, in the resulting harmony – which can include differences or disagreement – we find strength in God and each other.

Security, not shame

James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins and pray for each other, and this is key to how we live together. Note the emphasis on prayer, which is ultimately about intimate communication and relationship.

The model for our relationships is our relational God; just as the three parts of the Trinity are consubstantial, we too are equal in God’s eyes. We are a priesthood of all believers, and any responsibilities we carry are privileges not priorities – in the body of Christ, 1 Corinthians 12 reminds us, every part is valued.

Mutual accountability, then, isn’t about superiority. Romans 14:10 tells us not to ‘judge your brother or sister’ or ‘treat them with contempt’ because ‘we will all stand before God’. Galatians 5:26 pleads: ‘Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.’

Accountability begins not when we tell someone they’re wrong, but when we recognise we aren’t any better than them. Mutual accountability requires mutual vulnerability. It’s about creating not just safe spaces but brave spaces, where we can be vulnerable about that truth – where we can confess, repent and share without fear.

This requires us to hold on to our security in God’s love rather than being tempted into shame. Galatians 6 says ‘if someone is caught in a sin … restore that person gently’, then immediately adds: ‘Carry each other’s burdens’ (vv1 and 2). Hebrews 10:24 implores us to ‘spur one another on towards love and good deeds’. This is what it means to ‘speak the truth in love’ (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking truth is essential but, without love, it leads to self-righteousness and division. With love, it brings us together in community. Because anything born of love comes from God. Anything born of fear does not.

When fear does creep in, it often stems from our own doubts, shortcomings or envy, or from hurt and trauma caused by other people’s actions. None of these is simple, but our instinct is often to hide our pain, doubts or shortcomings from others, including God. We fear we might be found out, rejected or hurt again.

This tragically leaves us without opportunity to reconcile and heal – with others or with God. Like needing the toilet but pretending we don’t, our actions wind up being driven by a panicked need. We can become hurtful without realising. We act out of fear, rather than out of freedom in Christ.

And there is freedom in Christ! That freedom can lead us to seek help, question, learn from each other and make amends. But we must be open about our own shortcomings if we want to break that hard ground and bring hope into our relationships. Matthew 18:15–17 talks about how we might point out faults, but being open does not necessarily mean confronting someone directly. Rather, it is about having a community where you can talk to someone you trust – and our safeguarding protocols, protections and procedures are there to help us build and maintain such communities.

Respond, not react

What kind of community are you in? Can you see the fruit of the Spirit in everyone’s actions? Consider the contribution you make to the culture, including how you can be a person of trust for someone else.

One step to take could be trying to respond rather than react. Reacting is unthinking and immediate, but responding involves taking a moment to step back, pray, and choose how you act. Turning to God in that moment can take you from shame to security, from frustration to compassion, from tiredness to rest, from competition to encouragement.

Above all, though, be vulnerable with God and with others. A nugget from Nouwen again: ‘In the sharing of my weaknesses with others, the real depths of my human brokenness and weakness and sinfulness started to reveal themselves ... not as a source of despair but as a source of hope... Once I am able to truly confess my most profound dependence on others and on God, I can come in touch with my true self and real community can develop.’

After all, how can you understand or help someone in their mistakes or challenges if you haven’t confronted your own? By supporting others, you allow yourself to be supported too. The vulnerability is mutual.