Single Friendly Church Week: How welcoming is your church?

At the start of Single Friendly Church Week (27 September – 4 October), Major Andrea Cooper reflects on singleness and how we value people.

When approached to write a reflection on singleness, I laughed as this has been a recent life issue. I realised God wanted me to stop and reflect.

There were concerns: I am uncomfortable with adding a label to people. I want to be known, liked and loved because I am Andrea who loves Jesus, Everton FC, ice cream, dancing, worshipping in the car and listening to people’s stories. I just happen to be white, a woman, an officer and single!

I do not want my vulnerability or circumstance to be judged, pitied, assumptions to be made or to cause people to treat me differently. I don’t want my words to cause hurt to those who simply didn’t know how I felt over the years due to my singleness.

People are single for a wide variety of reasons. No two people have the same experience, so assumptions can’t be made. Yet sadly they are.

In the UK, the number of single people is increasing. The Single Friendly Church Network tells us that about 40 per cent of adults are single. The charity’s research found common themes of people feeling excluded, hurt, isolated and unwelcome, with some leaving church altogether. The very place created to share God’s love sometimes fails at supporting and loving the people in their congregations.

In Mark 5:24–34, we read the story of the woman suffering from bleeding. I love this account of a woman so desperate, yet so full of faith that Jesus answered her prayer.

The woman was considered a social outcast, but her pain was hidden. As a single person, I have suffered the hidden pain of shame, grief, judgement and disappointment. Why? For as long as I can remember, my heart’s desire was to be a wife and a mum.

In Psalm 37:4 we read: ‘Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.’ I took from this that, somehow, because he hadn’t given me the desire of my heart, I was a disappointment to God. Be aware: once the Devil knows of that hidden pain, he will try to use it against you (see John 10:10).

I once attended a conference, and the leader spoke on Proverbs 31. Though I can’t tell you what was said, I left feeling that, as I wasn’t a wife or a mother, I was a failure as a Christian woman.

However, I am secure in my identity in Christ. It’s my name engraved on God’s palm (see Isaiah 49:16), not ‘Andrea plus one’. I am God’s masterpiece (see Ephesians 2:10). I am loved (see Romans 5:8). I am known (see Psalm 139). Regardless of my marital status, God is with me (see Isaiah 41:10) and cares about me (see 1 Peter 5:7).

Back to that faithful woman in Mark 5. For 12 years she had been suffering, waiting for healing.

We too, as single people, can be waiting, waiting for the ‘one’, waiting to be ‘whole’. Maybe in our waiting we remember God is with us, that we can be courageous (see Joshua 1:9) and we can learn to become who God created us to be.

Christ offered wholeness and flourishing to the woman, and that is what God offers to all of us. God wants to demonstrate his abundant love in our lives (see John 10:10). Let us learn, regardless of marital status, to see each other, listen, be curious, build friendships, and demonstrate God living in us to those around us. I was asked recently if I am happy being single. I responded yes. The dream of being a wife and mum is still there, but God has graciously changed my heart’s desire – not the answer to prayer I wanted, but I know God’s got me!

• Find out more about Single Friendly Church Week at singlefriendlychurch.com or contact the Family Ministries team at familyministries@salvationarmy.org.uk.

Reflect and respond

• What is God saying to you about singleness and single people in your setting?
• What can be done for single people to be welcomed, seen, valued and included?
• As a single person, how could you create opportunities for friendships?